for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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