all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
My liver just had a heart attack.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
