I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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