I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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