You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
