so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
