i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
