I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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