I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
