Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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