I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
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He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
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These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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