Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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