dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
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Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
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Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
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