I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
