i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
