You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
