You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She even gives head with a lisp.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
