my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
