sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
