Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
