Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
