I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
