Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
