i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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