um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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