Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
