So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
