if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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