I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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