his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
