In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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