I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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