I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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