I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
