i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Girls should come with a carfax report
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
