marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
