Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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