if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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