We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
