I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
