I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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