and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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