First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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