her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
