Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
