the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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