I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
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I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
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I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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