my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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