Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
