Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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