No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
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I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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