I think I won the penis lottery.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
did i just pee glitter
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
