You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
