I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
