So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
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you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
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Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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