from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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