so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Enjoy the penises
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
