life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
