Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
