Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You are the jesus of drinking
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
