my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
