I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
now i know why i became what i already was.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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